Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 270 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle Podcast!
Relationships are the best aren’t they? And sometimes they are also the worst…and most of the time, the ones we have are both. Come on, you know it’s true because we’re human and we have natural human reactions and varying ideas of how things should be. A lot of that has to do with how we are brought up. Out of all the people in the world, outside of our blood relatives, we pick a few that we’re like “I like you” “let’s hang out”. And if it’s your partner then you even decide you’re gonna live in the same house and sleep in the same bed every night, it’s kind of interesting if you think about it. I love being married and I love my friends and my family as well. It brings joy to our life and sometimes it brings us pain. Maybe someone hurts your feelings or forgets your birthday, or does something terrible and now you carry around this grudge that never feels very far from the surface.
You can go around like that for a while, but eventually it either goes away because you’ve decided to let it go or it grows but you keep ruminating about it.
There’s a phrase that used to annoy me to no end…..
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Ugh that question used to rub me so wrong. I was like that’s not even fair. It’s not that I’m trying to be right, I’m just not trying to be someone’s doormat. I’m not trying to just tolerate anything anyone wants to throw at me. I felt like that was such a wrong statement because what if you are right?! What if you feel deeply wronged? Shouldn’t they be punished? I mean me letting someone who wronged me off the hook doesn’t seem fair. I want to be mad at them. They deserve for me to me mad at them. Because If I don’t stay mad then they won’t
know how wrong they were. Talk about a chip on your shoulder..I had one for sure. I was missing the entire point of the statement. Which probably meant I wasn’t ready to hear it. You see it doesn’t make the other person right if you are the bigger person and let something go or just forgive someone in your heart, that doesn’t make them right. And you’re not saying what happened is ok, it simply means you’re not letting yourself be a victim to your ego any longer over this. Because you’re inner guidance system has a different view of it, it’s your ego that wants to hang onto it. Forgiveness is not always deserved by the person, but it is always deserved by you. That’s one way you can have your own back, is forgiving even when it’s not deserved because it will free you of that burden.
I have had friends all my life that other people could not stand to be around and most of the time it’s because I let things roll off my back pretty easily. I don’t hang onto grudges, I forgive quickly. Every once in a while though The bad will start to outweigh the good and I have to distance myself a little bit. I have to make sure that I’m taking care of myself. For a while I think I was tolerating some things because I was optimistic that things would change but when they didn’t, I had to have my own back. You always have to have your own back. If someone is bringing you down, it’s not your job to bring them up, in fact you can’t. The old saying “Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.” Its a good one because a dog with fleas doesn’t all of a sudden have no fleas if he hangs out with a dog that has no fleas. no the dog with fleas will almost always contaminate the other dog too and now they are both in the same boat. It’s a good analogy. If you’re hanging with someone because you think you can raise them up, odds are you’re going to be dragged down, just saying.
I’ve read that it’s better to be alone than in a toxic relationship. I don’t know if there’s a truer statement out there, there may be an equally true statement, but not more true. When you’re in a relationship whether it’s with a friend or partner or family member even, if it’s toxic and it’s constantly weighing on you, constantly the source of anxiety or drama or sadness, what’s that doing to you long term? You’re picking up fleas. And What is allowing yourself to be around someone like that all the time telling you? You’re not worthy of better treatment. You don’t matter enough to change things. Or worse yet, you’re subconsciously saying you aren’t capable of changing things, you’re stuck and its not your fault. That feels victimy to me and we don’t allow ourselves to play the victim, never a cool role. Sometimes in order to have your own back, you have to distance yourself from relationships that are dragging you down.
But what if you’re in a situation you can’t change, well you can have your back there too.
Holocaust survivor and psychologist Viktor frankl lost most of his family including his wife and parents were killed in concentration camps during the war. He was fortunate to survive 3 years in concentration camps including auschwitz . He was able to survive because he told himself that his body may be deteriorating because of lack of food and harsh conditions but he can build up his inner strength because no one can take that from him, that’s one thing he can control. We all have that same control, we can all work on building up our inner strength. Our inner strength can be built up just like our physical strength. That’s something Ive been working on regularly over the last few years.
I was joking with my little sister molly and I told her I’ve done so much self work that I feel like I’ve changed a lot from where I was 4 years or so ago. She laughed and said yeah, you’re kind of more of an asshole now. She was joking o I think but I laughed and I said I needed to be more of an asshole realistically. I needed to grow a backbone and stand up for myself. Now I’m never mean to anyone that’s not my personality and never will be but what she meant, because I asked her was I no longer tolerate things I used to tolerate. And I no longer just go along with what everyone else wants to do, giving no value to what I wanted to do. I don’t do that anymore. Im worthy of more and you are too. And some people may not like that and say you’ve changed and to that I say good. If you have not changed then that means you haven’t grown. And if someone isn’t on board with you growing, well that’s something their gonna have to get used to.
And I’m not saying to take a blow torch to your friend group or your family if they do something that hurts you because friends and family are going to disappoint you or upset you and you’re gonna disappoint them too, so know that. What I am saying is be mindful of your own peace. Know when a relationship is doing you more harm than good. And that doesn’t just go for your friends, it also goes for your blood relatives, sometimes we think because someone is family we just have to put up with how they treat us, no you don’t. You don’t HAVE to do anything of the sort. Maybe you need to stand up for
yourself a little more, have your own back.
There doesn’t have to be drama or a big conversation. You just have to make a decision that you’re worthy of being treated well. And if it’s a situation that isn’t going to change then you have to change something inside you. You have to work on your inner strength. Remember Wayne Dyer says change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.
So, Hanging on to a grudge hurts you more than it hurts anyone else. Forgive for yourself even if you don’t think they deserve forgiveness, you do. If you’re in a situation you can’t change, change the way you look at it and it has to change. Also, work every day on building or your inner strength. I do this through meditation, journaling, positive input and limiting negative input. (Quickest way for me to be a Debbie downer is by paying attention to the news just FYI) And finally, Optimism can be learned. One way you can start is by starting the day, telling yourself “today is gonna be a good day”. This
is one of my favorites.
My challenge to you this weekend is to evaluate your relationships. Where do you need to stand up for yourself more? Where do you need to change the way you are looking at something? Is there a relationship that could use a little bit of distance? And finally where do you need to forgive? Even if it’s for you. Because they may not deserve it but you do. Share this episode with 3 people. I love you guys Ill talk to you in a few days!
