Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 358 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! I Don’t know what part of the country or the world you’re in but here in TN it has been hot and it’s been stormy. We’ve had more trees down and power out this summer than I have ever remembered. It’s been a wild ride…. it’s so unpredictable and it’s likely to continue for a while and I have zero control of it so I guess the best thing I can do is prepare for what I can but also make the best of as much of it as I can as well. It’s been an adventure for sure, at one point we lost power for over a day when it was pretty hot and humid so we camped out downstairs with a battery operated fan…it was sort of fun, like we were kids again. It could have been a miserable experience but my husband is fun and creative so that’s how we ended up enjoying it the best way we could.
That’s life though isn’t it? That’s why it’s important to surround ourselves with people we enjoy. It makes the not so fun times in life tolerable.
I used to think I could fix people and that if I hung around them or were there friend I could change them. I could make them happy. I realized not quickly but gradually that that just isn’t the case. Sometimes, we have to make the decision to love someone from afar. Because it’s important to protect our peace.
When you are a peace maker or an includer or someone who thinks its your job for everyone to be happy, you will often put yourself in a position that’s uncomfortable because you can’t say no or because you’re so worried about putting someone else “out”. How many dinner dates have you had that you didn’t want to have? How many events have you hosted that you didn’t want to host? How many times have you said yes when you knew you meant no? How many times did you say “I don’t care” when you really did care? Your opinion matters just as much as someone else’s. I had a funny story this last week and let me preface it with my story is trivial, I know, but there is a deeper meaning.
My dear friend and I were planning to meet for lunch for the first time in a while, We both love getting together but it doesn’t happen as often as we would like and so we finally planned a day and a time to meet and then she said you pick the place and I will show up. So Im talking to my husband Eric about where to go and he’s naming all these options and Im struggling to make a decision because I am worried that restaurant will be too far or too loud or the food may not be right. Eric finally just said look Houstons is available for your lunch time just see if it will work….And I said but what if it’s too far or what if she doesn’t like it…..then finally I just stopped and I said, you know what? I love Houston’s and so I will just put it out there and if she doesn’t like it, we will find something else. And that’s what I did and she said that’s wonderful see you there. During our lunch we were talking about life and different ways we were trying to improve and she said Im so glad you picked the restaurant because I was thinking about different places and I know you have only certain things you eat and a few of the restaurants I like are kind of far out and I was worried I would make a suggestion that you would not like…..I laughed and laughed and said oh my goodness if it weren’t for Eric, we would still be trying to make a decision! Funny thing is the place where she was going to suggest is one of my other favorite places! It would have been perfect also! So we will meet there next time. But the point is….we were both so nervous about the other persons preference that we couldn’t make a decision to save our life. And both of us had good options that the other one would have ultimately loved. What are we so afraid of? I know it may sound silly.
We were putting unnecessary stress on ourselves over a pretty trivial thing. But I think we do that in lots of other areas of our life too. I was talking to one of my friends in the sauna and she was telling me that she gets herself into situations all the time because she just can’t seem to say “No”. She will go places she doesn’t want to go with people she doesn’t want to be with all in an effort to avoid saying “No”.
I have gotten much better at this as Ive gotten older. Now, it still isn’t comfortable to say no, I don’t love it but I know that the immediate pain of saying no is much better than the pain of saying yes…think about it. If you say No, it’s uncomfortable for the moment, If you say yes when you don’t want to then you spend time after wishing you hadn’t said yes, then you have to do the thing you said yes to which let’s say it’s a week away, now you dread doing it all week and then when it comes time to do the thing you do it and whether you are glad you did or not, you created a lot of unnecessary pain.
I’ve done it before and my guess is you probably have to. Here’s the thing though, I feel so empowered every time I say No and am just ok with leaving it there, not feeling the need to justify why I’m saying No. I have friends that have just said No in the past without any explanation and I have to admit I was at first a bit taken back but at the same time also impressed. And do I think less of them for telling me no without a reason to back it up? Not at all, I actually respect them for having boundaries and feel comfortable knowing they are comfortable knowing I don’t need to be coddled. They don’t feel the need to explain their No to me because they know I am not going to be offended by it. When someone is easily offended, people will generally skate the truth around that person or even tell a little white lie especially if they think what they have to say isn’t what the easily offended person wants to hear. So that’s a good thing to remember if you’re easily offended people may skirt the truth with you so they don’t offend you!
In the movies they will often portray someone as weak by showing them always saying yes to everything to the point where they are burning the candle at both ends which causes them lots of discomfort, which in turn causes them to have a growth moment where they finally realize something has to change and this is where they get something called gumption and with gumption comes the ability to give your opinion, to unapologetically prioritize your needs and with gumption comes the ability to say NO and not have to explain yourself for it.
My challenge to you this week is to find your gumption. if someone asks your opinion and you secretly have one, give it…..don’t say you don’t care. If someone asks you to do something and you really don’t want to, simply thank them and say Im not available. Saying no will probably always be a little bit uncomfortable for some of us but I would rather be uncomfortable saying no now than living with a yes that leaves me in dread for a week. You matter just as much as anyone else in this world, never forget that. I love the quote from the holiday that says Everyone should be the leading lady of their own life and that’s what gumption will get you. Share this with 3 people that have gumption! I love you guys! Ill talk to you in a few days.
