Hi guys! welcome to episode 570 of the wildly successful lifestyle podcast! Oh my goodness, I am so glad to be here with guys, you know every time I think what’s it all for? Why am I doing this podcast twice a week? Does it matter? Is it making a difference? Every time it seems like the universe offers up another learning moment for me. Another chance to grow. And doing this podcast keeps me on my toes and keeps me ultra aware of how I’m affecting my own life. Just when I think I may have it all figured out, another learning moment shows up. And 90% of the time it involves my reaction to someone else. My thoughts about someone and what they are doing and how they shouldn’t be doing it or should be doing it differently. Do you ever do that? Rhetorical question. I know you do! Because you’re human, just like me.
Seriously though, How much time do we spend controlling what other people do in our minds? If you think about it honestly, it’s exhausting. It’s like we’re running a mental movie theater, casting other people as the villains, the heroes, or the extras in our story, and we’re sitting there directing every scene, trying to make them act the way we think they should. But here’s the kicker: they’re not even in the theater with us. They’re out there living their lives, completely unaware of the scripts we’re writing for them.
It’s never more apparent than when you’re around large groups of people. I mean, we do this all the time, but when we’re around big crowds, it gets worse. Like, let’s say you go to the beach around the 4th of July, like we did. My big sister was with us for nine days, and she doesn’t get a lot of vacations, so we decided we were going to take her to the beach. And we are so glad we did. Boy, did it wake me up and show me how, every time you think you’ve got your mind under control and your thoughts managed, the universe gives you a chance to work on yourself again.
We stayed in a condo we’d never been to before. One of the first mornings, I’m sitting there on the balcony, enjoying the sounds of the waves, the salty breeze, the view of the ocean sparkling under the sun—it’s pure magic. And then, out of nowhere, I get this waft of cigarette smoke. What in the world? That is the most inconsiderate thing. Who smokes on a beautiful beach balcony, ruining everyone else’s lovely morning? I mean, I was ready to launch into a full-on rant. I started to complain to my big sis, who was sitting there with me, but when I looked over at her, she seemed like she didn’t even notice it. She was just sipping her coffee, smiling, lost in the moment. And I thought, “Am I going to ruin her morning by complaining and bringing this to her attention?” No, I was not. So I moved my chair back a little bit out of the wind and the smoke was no longer a problem.
And let’s not even talk about the family whose dad plopped their umbrellas and chairs directly in front of our paid umbrellas. As he was setting them up, I overheard his daughter say, “Are we just going to get right in front of them?” And he said, dismissively, “Yes, it doesn’t matter.” Oh, it took everything in me not to march down there and give him a piece of my mind. But I realized quickly that if we were going to enjoy this week, we were going to have to take care of things on our end, not expect others to worry about how we feel.
That moment was such a wake-up call for me. I started noticing how much energy I was spending in my head, trying to control what other people were doing. The smoker on the balcony? In my mind, I was rewriting their morning, imagining them choosing a vape or stepping inside or, better yet, not smoking at all. The dad with the umbrellas? I was mentally directing him to have a sudden epiphany about beach etiquette and move his setup. But here’s the truth: none of that mental directing changed a single thing. The smoke still wafted, the umbrellas stayed put, and I was the one getting worked up.
I know I’m not alone in this, we live in a world that thank goodness we share with other people, but that also means we have to deal with other people doing their thing too. How many times have you caught yourself doing this? Maybe it’s not a beach trip. Maybe it’s at the grocery store, where someone’s cart is blocking the aisle, and you’re mentally scolding them for not paying attention. Or maybe it’s at work, where a coworker says something that rubs you the wrong way, and you spend the next hour replaying the conversation, imagining what you should have said or what they should have done differently. It’s like we’re all walking around with these invisible control panels, trying to manage everyone else’s behavior to fit our version of how the world should work.
But here’s the thing: that control panel? It’s not plugged into anything. We’re not actually controlling anyone. All we’re doing is draining our own energy, stealing our own peace, and missing out on the moment right in front of us. That morning on the balcony, I could’ve stayed stuck in my frustration about the cigarette smoke, but instead, I took a deep breath, focused on the sound of the waves, moved my chair back a little and chose to let it go. And you know what? I didn’t think about it again. It was still there, but it wasn’t the center of my attention anymore.
This is where the real work begins. It’s about shifting our focus from what we can’t control—other people’s actions, words, or choices—to what we can control: our own thoughts, our own reactions, our own perspective. That week at the beach, I made a conscious decision to practice this. When the dad set up his umbrellas in front of us, I didn’t march down there. Instead, I grabbed our beach blankets and moved them over, we adjusted our things to get a better view of the water, it’s like I’ve said before in episodes like this, we took care of it on our end.
We did this all week because it was super busy. The first night we arrived we weren’t aware of how busy it would be so we got all settled in to our condo and then went out to get a yummy dinner just across the street. It was a Saturday night around 7:30. Oh to look back and think about how adorable it was that we thought we were going to get in anywhere in less than an hour right at peak dinner time. It wasn’t gonna happen. So, We ended up back at our condo where I made us a delicious dinner and we ate it on the patio overlooking the ocean! We all agreed there was no better dinner and no better view than what we had right then. That could have been a miserable night, with us frustrated and hungry not getting to eat until 9:00 or we could just take care of it on our end. Which we did. Right then and there that night, we realized, “ok it’s gonna be busy so we have to make sure we manage our time and our expectations.
Which we did. We just arranged our schedules so that we ate a late breakfast and early dinner and then had balcony time before we came in for movie night at 7! That was our whole week and we all agreed we couldn’t have loved it any more than we did! No more problems because we decided we would manage our expectations and our schedule so that we had a wonderful week regardless of the crowds and that’s exactly what we did.
Now, I’m not saying this is easy. Letting go of that mental control panel takes practice. It’s like a muscle you have to build. So, I want to share three practical steps that have helped me—and I hope they’ll help you, too—when you catch yourself trying to control others in your mind.
Step one: Notice it. The first step is awareness. You can’t change what you don’t see. So, when you feel that frustration or judgment creeping in, pause and name it. Say to yourself, “I’m trying to control this person’s behavior in my mind.” For me, it was literally saying, “Heidi, you’re mad about the cigarette smoke, but you can’t make that person stop smoking.” Naming it helps you step back and see it for what it is: a thought, not a fact.
Step two: Shift your focus. Once you’ve noticed it, redirect your energy to something you can control. Maybe it’s your breath—take a few deep breaths to ground yourself. Maybe it’s your environment—move your chair, put on some music, or find a new perspective. On the beach, I shifted my focus to the waves but also just moving our perspective a bit. Busy restaurants? No problem, let’s shift our dinner time so that everyone is happy.
Step three: Practice compassion. This one’s the game-changer. Instead of judging the person who’s “ruining” your moment, try to see them as human, just like you. That smoker on the balcony? Maybe they’re stressed and that’s their coping mechanism. That dad with the umbrellas? He’s just trying to make the beach day the best for his family that he can. We don’t know their story, but assuming they’re doing their best can soften our judgment and free up so much mental space. That’s what we did.
These steps—notice, shift, practice compassion—aren’t just about making your day better. They’re about reclaiming your energy, your joy, your peace. Because when we stop trying to control others in our minds, we create space for the things that really matter: connection, gratitude, and living fully in the moment.
So, here’s my challenge for you this week. Pay attention to one moment where you catch yourself trying to control someone else’s behavior in your mind. Maybe it’s a family member who’s late to dinner, a driver who cuts you off, or a coworker who’s not pulling their weight. When it happens, try those three steps: notice it, shift your focus, and practice compassion.
As we wrap up, I want to leave you with this: the only person you can truly control is yourself. And when you lean into that, when you focus on your own thoughts, your own reactions, your own choices, you start to live lighter. You start to live freer. That beach trip with my sister? It ended up being so relaxing and just an amazing week—not because everyone around us behaved perfectly, but because I chose to let go and show up fully for the moments that mattered.
Living our best life doesn’t mean everything and everyone around us is always perfect. It means that we have the power to feel peace in any given moment if we allow it.
Now go out there and live your best life today and share this with someone who is working on living their best life too. I love you guys, I’ll talk to you in a few moments.
