Hi guys! Welcome to the 52nd episode of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast!
Why is Forgiveness sometimes so hard? I do not ever think I have all the answers but I do have some life experience to speak to when it comes to this topic. As I’m sure you do as well. I don’t think any of us have made it through our whole life without having to forgive or be forgiven. But why is it so hard sometimes to forgive?
For one thing, I can say because often we think that by forgiving, we let this person off the hook, or maybe we feel if we forgive them than they will think what they did is ok and keep it up, or maybe you want to stay angry as a way to hurt this person that hurt you.
I sometimes talk about my personal life on this podcast. I have a really blessed life and I can’t complain about anything. Just like everyone, including you, I have experiences with people where sometimes I have to forgive or be forgiven.
I was raised in a religion that was pretty strict. There are some good people but some of their rules I simply don’t agree with. Long story short I am no longer a part of it and there are members of my family who are. One of them is my little sister. For the record, I have 2 little sisters, one you hear me talk about a lot, that’s Molly, and we are very close. The other one not so much. It is not that I don’t love her but you see for religious reasons she has cut part of the family out of her life because she doesn’t want her kids to be around people who don’t believe like she does. We have been a very close family for my whole life and this was a new thing that happened in the last couple years because the kids are getting to an age where they can start thinking for themselves and that scares her. I’m not creating this, we had a lunch where she basically told me this.
Now, I don’t have children and have been very close to my niece and nephew whom I now have not been able to be part of their life for almost 2 years. They are growing up and I am missing that. Now. I tell you this story because for a little while, I was really angry and wanted her to feel the same pain I felt. I quickly realized that was not going to change anything and in fact was only hurting me, no-one else. I had a decision to make, let the seed of anger grow and use the situation to create drama with another family or I could recognize that the only thing I control in life is my thoughts about anything. My thoughts were turning into things like “I hope she gets what is coming to her’, it even got so bad I felt sort of happy when I heard something didn’t go her way. This is not something that I’m proud of or that is true to my nature.
I never wish harm on anyone, but because of my anger, I felt it was justified to wish she was not happy. Outside looking in, you can see that was going nowhere good. Fast forward to today. The situation remains the same but I feel neutral about it. What does neutral mean? It means I have a situation in my life that is real and is hard that I have zero control over so I choose to look at it as it is, no worse and no better. I have a family I don’t see. Honestly we would only see them three or four times a year anyway so it isn’t that much of a change. I still feel pain and I still sometimes feel anger but they are fleeting and I certainly do not cultivate those feelings.
You see, forgiving a person that has caused or is causing pain doesn’t remove the pain, it simply softens the way you look at it and it gives you back your power. You see, if I choose to remain in a state of anger or pain, I give all my power to a person that is not in my life at all. I choose to empower myself and say I choose how I feel. I choose to recognize the pain and the anger I have in the moment, which is certainly OK to do. I will talk about that feeling with someone, maybe my husband or Molly and be real with how I feel but then I won’t dwell on it. But I then do something that takes my mind off that thought like exercise, write a podcast episode, do something that I enjoy that changes my state.
So, I recognize it, feel it, acknowledge it (maybe talk about it if I need to) and then I do something that will change my state. When the situation can’t change or you don’t want it to change it then changing your thoughts about it is crucial. I don’t want to be in a state of pain and anger because I no longer get to see my Niece and nephew and it isn’t going to change anytime soon, so I have to change my focus in this case and come to terms with it because I refuse to give my power to be happy to anyone other than myself.
So what does that mean for you??? Well so many of us have situations in life that are real and they’re hard, but we don’t have any control over them, because they are a part of our life. Be aware of your feelings, acknowledge them, talk about it if you need to, (I think this is an important step) and then do something to change your state, you’re basically interrupting that pattern of thought that isn’t serving you. Knowing this and doing this makes it where you are empowered and take control of your thoughts rather than letting someone else control your thoughts, and by extension control your life.
There is always going to be someone in our life that lets us down or hurts our feelings. That is part of being human! No-one escapes it. The other part of being human is we get to control how deeply we let someone else’s actions affect us. Forgiveness is empowering. You take back control of your life. The only person that actually controls you is you, the only person that controls your feelings and thoughts is you. Don’t give your power away. You’re worth way more than that and one of my missions is to make sure you never forget it. I love you guys and will talk to you in a few days.
