Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 606 of The Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! I’m Heidi and I’m super glad to be with you. I love hanging with you even if it is for only 10 minutes a couple times a week, it’s valuable time spent so thank you for always showing up and also for sharing, it helps me reach more people when you share it with your friends. So thank you!
A while ago I was traveling with a friend, we were mid way through our flight when I got up to go to the bathroom when I came back to sit down, half a cup of her latte spilled in my lap, she had put it in the back of the seat and when the person in front moved their seat back it squeezed the cup, which was half full, and it spilled all over me. She didn’t really notice because she was looking the other way, I didn’t want to make a deal out of something that was unintentional, so I got up and cleaned the coffee off of my shirt and pants and then sat back down, she was none the wiser even to this day. But man at the time I was in my head about it. I had all of these thoughts about her being irresponsible, which caused me to have coffee all over my new pants and then she didn’t even notice it so there was no apology, I felt myself getting more and more irritated. Obviously, it’s been several years and I am still remembering it. You see I turned something that unintentionally happened and was annoying at best into a full-blown anger fest in my own head which wasn’t helping me feel better, I was making it so much worse.
Do you ever do that? Something happens that isn’t great but then you get all in your head about it and now it goes from “not great” to “Worst thing ever” all because of the things you are telling yourself in your head? Maybe you’re stuck in traffic and you’re late to pick the kids up so now you’re thinking the daycare is going to kick you out or the kids are going to think you’re the worst mom ever? You know helpful thoughts. Or maybe your husband woke up on the wrong side of the bed and now you’re making that mean something about you or you’re plotting your escape….things that aren’t helpful and we often don’t realize that we are doing more damage to ourselves than the original thing that happened.
I was thinking about this because my meditations the last week or so have been focused on recognizing the awareness that is truly who we are and always have been and then there’s the part of us that is a compilation of all of our experiences. The more we live and make decisions from the awareness that’s not attached to all the thoughts and experiences the happier and more peaceful our life is. The other morning I had a conversation with Grok about the difference in these two parts of me because I was wondering if being aware is really so much better because we’ve all heard “ignorance is bliss”. I know the answer deep in my core because since I’ve been really aware of my thoughts and feelings I notice when I’m making myself miserable by thinking certain things. One of the things Grok said that made a lot of sense to me was this: The universe doesn’t hand you a silent cave, it hands you the latte spilled on your new outfit, the traffic when you’re already late, the forgotten password. He said each irritation is a pop quiz. “Can you feel the frustration without BECOMING the frustrated person? Yes, that’s it. That’s the question. But then he followed up because he always wants to answer the direct question I had which was if it was better to be aware or just oblivious. That’s when he explained why awareness is better. He said awareness doesn’t help in the way caffeine helps wake you up. Awareness isn’t going to fix the wifi or make someone text you back in a timely manner, what it DOES DO is it “STOPS THE SECOND ARROW”. This idea had me already getting excited because I felt that what he was going to say next was going to be profound and I was not disappointed. He said the First Arrow is the circumstance out of our control so the spilled latte, the traffic, but the SECOND arrow, the SECOND arrow is the one that takes us out, the one that makes everything worse, that’s the part where we get in our head about it. We start making it mean things, we start having all these thoughts about it. So for instance me having irate thoughts about my friend innocently putting her cup in the back of the seat and now Im thinking she is irresponsible and is the reason my clothes are ruined and the trip is frustrating rather than relaxing. The second arrow is the road rage due to traffic and the building anxiety of lateness and all the horrible things that will come because of it.
You see we are all going to experience the first arrows. The little or big irritations that happen that we don’t control, and we will all feel the sting of that first arrow, that’s human, But Awareness sees the second arrow forming and let’s it pass through without embedding so that you’re no longer bleeding from a story you added. Man that’s so good. Over time the cumulative weight of NOT carrying those extra arrows is enormous. You feel less resentment, less burned out, less guilt and shame.
This idea of this is basically “bad stuff happens, but the story I add about it, is optional. So the plane being delayed doesn’t turn into a pity fest of “I m never traveling again because traveling is a nightmare and I am a tragedy magnet” When you allow those thoughts to take hold, you’re doing the damage to yourself, not the delayed plane, which is annoying but usually not a tragedy unless you make it one.
When bad things happen are we adding to the problem or are we making it better? What am I adding to this?
That question keeps the responsibility where it actually lives..in your response..without the blame game.
It’s one of those little golden nuggets to keep in your pocket for whenever things get a little chaotic. So the next time the text gets ignored or the husband makes an off handed comment or traffic backs up just notice the irritation and ask yourself “what am I adding to this?” You could even answer it. You could say “Ok, I’m making this mean I’ve done something wrong”. Notice that and let it go and now that second arrow loses all it’s altitude. So you can feel the sting of the first arrow but not allow the bleed out that happens from the second arrow which it totally within your control,
That’s my challenge to you today is to notice one time today when a frustrating thing happens, notice when you’re about to make it 10 times worse by the thoughts you have about it, bypass that second arrow. You can do that by asking “what am I adding to this? Because that’s where the real damage is usually done, with that second arrow, and that’s the one that you control. Share this with 3 people who might have to deal with frustrating things….hint… that’s everyone. I love you guys, I’ll talk to you in a few days.
