Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 515 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle Podcast! Good to be with you. As I record this, it’s thundering and lightning and raining outside and it’s also a Sunday which makes it super cozy.. and it’s all the better because I get to hang out with you guys for a little bit…..So thanks for being here!
I hate to admit this but sometimes I run a little behind for things. I am working on that. So there is one appointment I had been a couple minutes late for the last few times and so this time I left way early so I would be there at least 10 min early. That day of all days there was construction…no problem, I left early enough to sit there and still be on time. But then I am right across the road, I can almost see the building where my appt is but the railroad track caution signs have come down, ok so I still have 5 minutes, I should be fine. 6 minutes later, the longest train in history passes and I am able to cross the tracks, and I still end up 3 or 4 minutes late. Which was frustrating to me because in my mind I had done everything right that day to be on time. But what that taught me is this. Because I had been late the last few times no one is going to really take my excuses seriously even though they were valid. I had done nothing wrong that day but the other days I was just late due to my own things that had I been more intentional I could have avoided. So even though the day I left really early and I was still late, I felt like I had done something wrong because I hadn’t been on time the prior times. So I had kind of created my own problems and my feelings were valid. I need to do better on my timing. I knew I needed to do better so feeling like I had done something wrong was appropriate. But what about the times when we for no reason feel like we have done something wrong especially when it involves someone else? Do you ever do that? Someone is upset, it has nothing to do with you but you still feel responsible in some way? Like you should fix it or maybe it’s somehow your fault? Maybe you notice you’re doing it, maybe it’s subconscious. But for some reason you feel responsible and you’ve done nothing to feel that way.
The other morning I woke up and Eric wasn’t in bed. I am usually the first one up so now I’m worried somethings wrong. I started creating all these bad things in my head. Is he sick? Did he ever come to bed? Is he mad at me? Did the pups crowd him so much that he’s over it? And I started feeling myself having anxiety like I had done something wrong. But I have been really working on boundaries and not taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings so I caught myself and I laughed and said ok wait a minute, I’ve done nothing wrong. Whatever is going on is with him not me. What I need to do is find him and make sure he’s ok and see if I can help in any way. That felt really good to notice because I realized I’ve lived like that for so long where any time I think someone is upset I feel it’s my responsibility somehow. As it turned out Eric’s shoulder was hurting so he got up to take some aleve and didn’t want to keep me awake so he went back to bed in our guest room.
For a few minutes there I had created these terrible scenarios, none of which were good. Most of which I was taking on some guilt for. I’m actually glad it happened because it showed me how much more work I had to do in not making myself into always somehow being the bad guy.
Earlier in the week I had planned to go to yoga and then I had a client meeting right after that but my older sister unexpectedly was staying with me again for a week (of which I am happy for) but it was going to be her first full day of being here and I was going to be gone for half of the day. I was up early before everyone else and as I was doing my morning routine I noticed I was considering canceling my yoga and my client appointment because I was feeling guilty because what if she didn’t want me to go? Fortunately my meditation and my journaling and my new goal of doing yoga twice a week regardless of what is going on encouraged me to keep my schedule. She has been staying with us a lot since her husband passed over a year ago and we love having her but my schedule and my taking care of myself makes me a better sister, I don’t want to resent her being here and if I use her as an excuse not to reach my goals I would eventually resent her. It’s how life works. So I went to yoga and my client appointment and I felt amazing and creative and my sister was just fine, sure she’d rather me be there but she also knows I am here for her always if she genuinely needs me to be, afterall that’s why she’s staying at my house in the first place. The old me would have felt bad, would have felt like I had done something wrong by leaving her but who I am becoming knows if I take care of myself and my responsibilities then I am able to be a much better sister to her when we do spend time together.
In both of these scenarios I had done nothing wrong but I had this underlying dread like I had. Like I needed to change something so that the other person felt better. Now that I notice I do that I see it in every aspect of my life with friends, family, and even clients.
And it’s not being fixed overnight. I am just aware of it now. I mean both of these happened this last week. But I have a feeling of excitement growing inside because I know how freeing it will be to allow other people to be responsible for their emotions and I only be responsible for mine. It’s a gift to me but also a gift to them as well because it lessens the chance of me resenting them or feeling frustrated with them. Those feelings of frustration or resentment, if I have them, are on me not them. Just like they are responsible for their feelings, I am responsible for mine as well.
Now a couple things to note. The fact that I had done my meditation, journaling and plan for the week made it possible for me to follow that plan and not just be at the whim of whomever whenever. When I have a plan, especially for my self care appointments like yoga and other workouts, when someone asks me to do something during those times, I just say that wont work, let’s find a different time. It doesn’t mean you don’t accommodate them, it just means you don’t short yourself. So keep that in mind, but also, being honest with yourself on where you need to improve so that you’re not disrespecting other people like me with my being late, is helpful moving forward so I don’t have to feel like the bad guy if something does come up and it is out of my control that I’m late. Take responsibility for all of your actions, not just the good ones.
My challenge to you this week is when someone is upset and you feel responsible, notice it and then ask is there something I did or am I just taking on responsibility because it’s my knee-jerk reaction to do so. If that’s the case then actually stop and say to yourself, maybe even with a little laugh ”wait a minute, Ive done nothing wrong here” and then proceed accordingly. It’s time we let ourselves off the hook for everybody else’s bad day. Share this 3 people who need to be let off the hook. I love you guys! I’ll talk to you in a few days!
