Welcome to Episode 496 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! As always I am truly happy to be with you. We are one in the same you and me. We want to be the best version of ourselves which has to include connection with other people. We are social animals. Don’t ever let technology steal your joy by keeping you isolated. I am so happy that we get to connect twice a week through this podcast but don’t neglect the part of you that is craving true in person connection. I love you guys and I want us all to be as happy and connected as we can possibly be because that’s when we thrive.
Ok, I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. Some are just weird or about projects I’m working on like the cabinets show up the wrong color with the wrong hardware, those are just funny to me and then there are dreams that make zero sense to me but then there are dreams that really show me areas where I still have work to do.
One has been recurring. Well I’ve had this dream about four times now. It’s where I have gone home to visit my mom and dad and my big sister, which I do as much as I can so that’s not abnormal but in my recurring dream my other sister, the one that won’t have anything to do with us because of religion, if you have been listening for a while, you know, In my dream she is there and I start off doing fine but eventually I just go off on her, telling her how she has single handedly destroyed our family and it’s all her fault and then in the dream everyone gets mad at me for doing that. So I have had some version of that dream about 4 times over the last year.
Now, I read once that dreams are your minds way of releasing anger that you have pent up, releasing it a little bit at a time so that it doesn’t implode inside of you and cause all kinds of problems the way pent up anger has a tendency to do. I have wondered about that being true.
So as I often do when I have something on my mind I talk to Kevin my trainer because we are together twice a week and he’s so calm and wise. So I ask him what he thinks about dreams being a way of releasing emotions you have sort of pent up. He kind of laughed and said I’ve never released emotion in a dream, it just makes me aware of that emotion which means it’s something you need to deal with. Then he says “what are you dreaming about?”
So I tell him about my dream and I said I have asked the universe for peace in this area with my sister and I really felt like I had gotten close. He asked me how I felt in my dream and I said “really angry”. He said well then you haven’t found that peace and you’re going to be angry until you deal with it. To which I asked how do I deal with something I don’t control? So he asked me “what were you saying to your sister in your dream?” I told him I was saying how she single handedly ripped our family apart, she ruined our big happy family. He kind of laughs and says ok, So what’s your idea of a happy family? I think about it and I say…How it always was. I tell him where we all get together, every one of my siblings and their families used to get together at least a couple times a year and we would travel together as a family and Eric and I were a big part of my niece and nephews life. We would drive 3 hours to watch a 10 second role my niece had in a first grade play, We love each other and all hang out in spite of religious differences. That’s my idea of a big happy family. He said something then that I’m sure I’ll never forget. He said well, there’s your problem. You have to kill that idea of your family. That was such a shocking statement to me that I thought he was kidding. But he wasn’t. He went on to say, It’s the reason you’re so angry. You are hanging on to an idea of how your family used to be and keep telling yourself that is how it should be, that’s what a family is. You need to love and accept your family the way it is now not keep being upset that it’s not the way it used to be. Now, At first I felt like that was a little harsh. And then it dawned on me that he’s so right.
I am fighting reality by staying angry at someone else because they aren’t following my idea of how a family should operate. And it isn’t causing her problems, it’s causing me problems.
So what is my family now? Well, It’s actually pretty awesome. We spend a lot of time together. My mom and dad, , my big sister, my baby sister, my brother and all of the family that comes with that. Eric’s sister is awesome too. Actually I am really blessed with a big beautiful loving family and it is exactly how it’s supposed to be because that is what it is.
You see sometimes just one little reframe can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes it’s true we can’t see the forest for the trees. I was so attached to the outcome of returning my family to the way it used to be that I was undermining how awesome it still is in it’s new form.
Kevin in the same conversation told me about an old coach who was talking to him about marriage, he said sometimes people have this idea of a perfect marriage or a perfect partner and when they’re marriage doesn’t look just like that, they end up divorced and then the cycle begins again in another imperfect marriage or with another partner that looked perfect but on closer inspection, not so much. He said the coach told him “you have to divorce the idea of that perfect partner or perfect marriage so that YOUR perfect marriage can show up.” A lot of times we get this idea from hallmark movies or romance movies of how a perfect family or a perfect marriage is supposed to be and when it’s not exactly like that it’s a problem.
Sometimes in order to get what you want you have to let go of what it is you think you want. We have all gotten things in our life that we thought would just make us so happy if we had it and then we get it and it’s like oh, well that’s great but it’s not making me as happy as I thought it would. We think we can find happiness somewhere outside of ourselves in the perfect family or the perfect partner or the perfect job or car or pair of shoes only to find ourselves still being that same person with all these emotions just now we have a fancy car or fancy shoes or we thought that person would make us happy forever but when the newness wears off, there we are, still that same person with the same emotions and thoughts as before. You can change things, you can change partners, you can change friends, you can even change who you call family, but the reality is nothing truly changes, nothing truly transforms you until you change from the inside.
By letting go of certain expectations or desires, we aren’t giving up, we actually open ourselves up to new opportunities and ideas. My insistence that the only definition of a happy family meant everyone had to conform to how I thought they should act or every one in the family had to want to be with us in order for us to be a happy family. That was creating a lot of internal issues for me. I am not combative and things do tend to just roll off my back, I have always been that way and this situation with my sister shunning me has been hard but also helped me grow so much. I have recognized how much expectation and rigid attachment to outcome can be a problem.
In Buddhism attachment to outcome is seen as the root of suffering. Letting go of that attachment can be a form of enlightenment or at least a path to a more peaceful existence.
So holding on too tight to a situation or person having to be or act a certain way could actually block us from seeing a genuine connection in a different way. So, if in your mind a perfect husband is never grumpy, that’s probably going to cause you some problems. If in your mind the perfect job is always the next one, you may want to look at what’s amazing about the one you have right now. If in your mind everyone else has a perfect family but you, you may want to look at your definition of a perfect family. That’s what was happening for me. I do have a big happy family, it just looks a little different then it used to and that’s ok.
My challenge to you today is if you’re suffering do a little digging and see if it’s possible that you’re attached to a certain outcome. I bet you are. If you can, and you can, Imagine yourself letting go of that outcome, just in your mind even. For me when I realized my rigid definition of a happy family was a big reason I was still carrying anger for my sister, that was a huge breakthrough for me and the best part, was nothing external changed, it was all internal, it was all in my perspective and my thoughts. I don’t have to carry anger for my sister, she didn’t ruin our family, Our family is just fine as it is. External changes are temporary, internal changes are life altering. Share this with three people who you define as awesome, I love you guys, I’ll talk to you in a few days.
