Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 650 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! I’m Heidi, and it’s so good to be here with you again. Thank you for letting me slip into these ten little minutes of your day. And thank you, like always, for subscribing, sharing the episodes, and leaving those five-star reviews when the words land right in your heart. It really does mean everything to me, especially because I know you have to go out of your way to make them happen, so thank you thank you thank you.
I can’t get that quote from Episode 649 off my mind this week…
“Telling someone what they want to hear is being kind to yourself.
Telling them the truth is being kind to them.”
It really is true that the most loving thing we can do for the people we care about is gently hand them back their power by saying, “This really is within your power to fix.”
Here’s the thing I keep noticing — and maybe you do too — women (actually, all humans, but I feel it so deeply with us) can be incredibly hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up over the smallest things. We replay conversations in our heads, we criticize our bodies, our choices, our productivity, the way we parent, the way we show up in our marriages or friendships. That inner critic can be loud and relentless.
And yet… here’s the part that fascinates me every single time I notice it in my own life: we can also be really, really good at letting ourselves completely off the hook. We justify away the very things we wish we could change. We say things like, “It’s okay, you’re doing your best,” or “Life’s just busy right now,” or “This is just how my hormones are at this age,” or “Everyone else is struggling too.” Those soft little stories feel so compassionate in the moment. They feel like kindness.
But if we’re being real with each other, sometimes they’re just gentle lies that keep us exactly where we are.
I’ve done it so many times. I’d stand in front of the mirror and be hard on myself about the little extra weight I was carrying — “Why can’t you just get it together?” — and then two minutes later I’d justify the bag of chips I reached for by telling myself, “You’ve had a hard day, you deserve this.” Or I’d feel that deep exhaustion from my hormones being off and I’d criticize myself for not having more energy, but then I’d soothe myself with, “It’s not your fault, this is just part of being a woman your age.”
I was being hard on myself and letting myself completely off the hook at the same time. And neither one was actually helping me move forward.
So why do we do that? Why this tug-of-war inside our own heads?
I’ve been sitting with that question, and here’s what feels true to me. Both of those voices — the harsh inner critic and the overly protective justifier — are actually trying to help us in their own messy, human ways. The critic comes from a place of really high standards. We care so deeply about being good people, good mothers, good partners, healthy, successful, kind. That voice is like an overzealous coach who thinks yelling will push us toward those ideals. A lot of it gets wired in from childhood, from society’s impossible expectations (especially for women — look good, do it all, never complain, stay humble but also hustle), or from past experiences where love or approval felt conditional on getting it right.
But when the critic gets too loud and the shame or overwhelm starts to feel unbearable, our brain flips to self-protection mode. That’s when the justifier steps in like an emotional airbag. Justification lowers the emotional temperature so we don’t have to sit in the discomfort of “I’m not where I want to be and I have the power to change it.” It’s our psyche’s way of saying, “Hey, don’t look too closely at this — it hurts too much to admit it might be within our control and we’re still choosing the easier thing.”
The wild part? Both voices are trying to protect us. The critic wants us to improve. The justifier wants us not to fall apart. But together they create this exhausting loop where nothing really changes.
The shift for me came when I started speaking the truth to myself the same way I was learning to speak it to the people I love. Not with criticism. Not with excuses. Just with honest, brave, loving clarity.
I can remember years ago I would tell myself that I eat so healthy and exercise a lot so it must just be hereditary that I was putting on weight, or maybe it was my hormones… but when I really got honest with myself, okay, I wasn’t eating hamburgers and milkshakes, but I was eating way too much pasta and bread. I may not have been eating tons of sugar, but I wasn’t eating many veggies and salads at all. And realistically, when I got really honest, I was eating a lot more sugar than I allowed myself to see — that daily chai latte, that scone that in my mind was “better” than a donut, that healthy homemade cookie instead of the processed store-bought one. I was justifying all the things, and it was keeping me stuck.
Until one day when I truly decided I needed a change because it was affecting me more and more as I got older. That’s when I got serious and faced the real problem head on. I was malnourished and my hormones were out of whack, and no one was going to fix it but me. I reminded myself that I was not going to get where I wanted to be by justifying where I am right now. I had the power to change it.
That was a little painful to hear, but it also felt empowering at the same time because I was finally treating myself like the capable, powerful woman I know I am — not the version that needed protecting with soft stories.
Speaking the truth to yourself isn’t about swinging to one extreme or the other — beating yourself up or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about finding that middle place where you’re honest enough to name what’s really happening and kind enough to believe you can do something about it. It’s self-love that actually moves you forward instead of keeping you spinning in the same place.
To the beautiful soul listening right now who’s been carrying that quiet weight — whether it’s your body, your schedule, your heart, your boundaries, your finances, or that nagging voice that says “this is just how it is for me” — I want you to hear me with so much love: I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m saying the door has been unlocked the whole time, and you’re the one who just has to step through it. No more justifying. No more soft stories. Just full understanding of the power you hold to change your own life.
My challenge to you this week is simple and gentle. What’s one area in your life where you really want change but for some reason you haven’t taken the steps? Pinpoint just one area, and then notice when you start to cut yourself slack or justify the reasons. Just notice. Notice that there’s no one really holding you back but you — and there’s no one who can make those changes for you. Take one small step toward that change and see how empowering it feels.
You’re not stuck. You’re not broken. You’re not powerless. You are the leading lady of your own movie… now how’s that role gonna play out? Because you are writing the script.
I love you guys. I’ll talk to you in a few days!
