Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 373 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. It’s not lost on me that you have 20 million podcasts to choose from and you’re here with me. So thank you.
I was listening to coffee with Scott Adams on YouTube. He’s the Dilbert comics guy. But he said he read an article that a couple got caught having sex in their Tesla while they had it on autopilot. Scott said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that, isn’t that what self-driving cars are for? Why else would you want one? He was joking of course. But now that I think about it…what do we want self-driving cars for? Seriously though, we have a long way to go because we still need human intervention to keep from crashing.
My husband Eric was telling me about a podcast he listened to with Esther Perel, she’s the relationship therapist. She sees a lot and one of the things she sees most is relationships that have been put on autopilot. I call it a tesla relationship. people wonder why they feel so out of touch with each other. What she has observed in these relationships is they’ve been together so long that they are so comfortable with their partner that think they will just always be there no matter what and sometimes they don’t even consider their partner at all so everything else gets put first and their partners needs get lost in the shuffle. When you’re your relationship is on autopilot everything else takes priority. The most important person in your life gets the crumbs of what you have to offer and that’s your partner. What’s left over after the kids throw their fits, the frustrating meetings are done, the scrolling through social media has been exhausted, they get the worst of us because they will always be there. It’s the Tesla relationship. The one that is on autopilot but is ultimately heading for a crash. If we want our relationship to last, it’s best to transition from a Tesla relationship to one that gets our full attention. We deserve that and so does our partner!
I was in Dillards recently buying pajamas and matching robes for my parents 54th wedding anniversary. I checked out with an older gentleman who was complementing my purchase and I said these are gifts for my parents 54th wedding anniversary! He smiled and said they’ve got me beat by 2 years. I told him that was quite an accomplishment and he said yeah, it doesn’t happen a lot anymore. He asked me if I would like to know the secret to staying married and I said absolutely! He proceeded to say forgiveness and understanding. You’re going to make mistakes and so are they. You can’t give up every time someone disappoints you. And you’ll disappoint them too so be forgiving. There’s a reason you married them never forget that. It was such beautiful and honest advice.
I do believe those are big problems right now. We prioritize incorrectly, we put our partner last, We give up too soon on people. We think because the butterflies are gone that means love is gone but love changes shape in long term relationships, love will look different in different phases.
Every relationship goes through phases. It’s very Normal. It’s how relationships work.
Love changes over time. You have an infatuation phase, the honeymoon phase no need for explanation on this one. Then You have the reality has set in phase where the infatuation is over and you’re seeing all the little things that you chose to ignore because of infatuation, so you’ve made it through some difficulties and your relationship is strengthening. It’s not just about euphoria anymore. Then you have the crisis phase, every relationship goes through a drifting apart phase..and you either keep drifting or you come back together…this could be where you are having kids, maybe there’s a betrayal of some sort or a tragedy and you have to put in quite a bit of work to come back together. then you have the deep attachment phase, the calm after the storm so to speak. You’ve worked through hard things and you know you can work through anything together so it’s much more comfortable and secure.
I don’t know about you but knowing that these phases are normal is a big relief for me.
My parents had their religious convention in town where my dad was in charge of all the sort of operations. It’s a big job to make sure 3000 people are safe, the tech is working, the parking is safe so much to do. There are three of these conventions so the next weekend my dad had to pass the baton to the next guy who was going to be in charge so he came back in town to make sure things got off properly before he handed things off. The guy he was passing the baton to at one point said “ I feel like I’m failing at this. Everything feels chaotic. No one seems to know where they should be. I’m disappointed in myself for it being so messy. To which my dad told him “wait a minute”. Everything you’re going through is perfectly Normal. All of these things felt the same to me last week and I felt just like you do and it worked out just fine. You’re right on track and you’re doing great. Keep working and moving forward. It’s all good. The relief he felt was palatable. Thank you so much for telling me that. It’s such a relief to hear that this is all normal. I thought I was making a mess of things. But he wasn’t. It was new to him and new to each of the guys working under him but they had a system and it works.
That’s how I feel knowing all relationships go through these phases. You mean I’m not completely messing everything up and we are going to make it? Yep as long as you don’t leave the relationship on autopilot, and you don’t give up too soon you’re gonna be just fine. You have more control than you think. Brooke Castillo recently said it only takes one person to make huge improvements in a relationship and it isn’t your partner. It’s you.
So what phase is your relationship in right now? Do you know? Are you on the verge of throwing in the towel? Would it help to hear that any other relationship you get into is going to go through these same phases? Love will only get you so far…commitment will take you all the way. And that doesn’t happen without keeping your hands on the wheel.
My challenge to you today is to be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. Has it been coasting on autopilot for a while and maybe you’re slowly drifting apart? Let’s leave autopilot stuff to Elon Musk and the self driving teslas. Our relationships deserves our full attention. Share this with 3 people in relationships. I love you guys. I’ll talk to you in a few days.
