Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 333 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! Happy whatever day it is when you’re listening to it! I hope you’re thriving and life is treating you well. I hope all of your relationships are healthy and happy even though, I know there’s probably one or two that aren’t or could use improvement. Relationships are always a hot topic, you know why? Because we are social creatures and relationships are crucial to our living a long happy life. The thing is….we have relationships that are easy and we have relationships that are difficult, and every one of the relationships have one thing in common….YOU. You’re the center of your own universe and every relationship in your life involves you…so if most of your relationships are difficult, there’s a common denominator. We do all know someone that is constantly having problems with just about everyone in their life. Why would that be? And if we do have one or two relationships that are on shaky ground, how do we know if the relationship is worth working on? Well, we’re gonna talk about it.
So, Have you ever dreaded going to an event because a certain person or maybe you just generally think you don’t have anything in common with anyone that will be there only to go and have a great time or maybe you end up sitting right next to that certain person so you’re forced to talk to them and all of a sudden you realize they’re not that bad. We often create versions of people in our head or conversations with people in our head or have thoughts of what other people are thinking about us in our head…. But at some point you realize that reality is very different than what you envisioned, and none of those thoughts were real?
I was talking to my little sister Molly the other day and she said how interesting it is how far we’ve come as a family since a couple years ago. A few years ago because of religious differences we were estranged in a way, completely from one of my sisters which is what she wanted but the other part of my family had repercussions from that as well. I realized that a lot of that had to do with me because I created some things in my head that were not quite accurate. But now, I go back home once a week whenever I can and I get to spend quality time with my older sister and mom and dad and Molly talks to them regularly on the phone as well. It’s come so far that we have now even had dinner a few times where my estranged sister and her family were visiting too and it was a really great time. If you have listened to my earlier episodes, you know we’ve come a long way. I commented to Molly how we used to have conversations where we would be so frustrated and mad at things we perceived them doing but then when we are all together it would be so fun and easy. I told her you know what that means right? We were creating a lot of the conflict up in our heads when reality is, we do have some differences but we love and enjoy each other even though we have our differences. I can’t speak for them, but that’s the reality for me and Molly and even my brother agreed was the case for him too. Sometimes working on your own issues in your head with the relationships is all you need to do, you don’t have to have a big pow wow, you just have to acknowledge the role you play in it and also maybe the role the thoughts and conversations you have about that family member or members plays in the relationship. We’ve come a long way.
Now it’s not perfect. No family is. But, you see, we do this. We create conflict in our head and scenarios in our head that are simply not real. We do it with friends, coworkers, acquaintances and even our family, especially our family. A lot of times the conflict comes from what you think they are thinking about you and they many not be thinking that at all.
We create all this stuff in our head that’s not real in an effort to rationalize our feelings or rationalize staying away. And then we wonder why the relationship is not great and why we’ve become so resentful. So many times it’s because of the way we are thinking about that person or what we think that person or those people are thinking about us. And the longer this goes on the worse it tends to get.
And, It’s taken a lot of mindset work on my part because I had all of these thoughts which were really the reason I felt hurt and there was also some victim mindset as well and from that place of feeling hurt and like a victim I retreated. I retreated and I ruminated. When we ruminate we tend to make things worse than they are and when you retreat you isolate. Both of those cause more problems and if left unchecked really BIG problems!! Because one affects your mental health and the other affects your social connections.
In the book Ive been reading this week by Dr Attia called “Outlive” he says Social connection and Mental health are on the list of 6 main things we have to have in order to live a long healthy life, we can’t neglect that part of our life. In his book he says the 6 things that help you have a healthier longer life are sleep, exercise, nutrition, mental health, supplements and pharmaceuticals, and social connection. All play a really big role in our longevity and health span.
I didn’t know this but someone who is isolated will live less long than someone who smokes even that’s how important social connection is. I was beyond shocked to read that.
So having strong healthy relationships is vital to a healthy life. And a big part of that relationship is how we think about them. A lot of times we have a relationship with people in our head and that relationship that we have in our head will affect how you treat that person, which affects how they treat you. Like it or not we are vibrational beings. Our thoughts about other people play a pretty strong role in how we view them and vice versa but it’s often not accurate.
So for example. A guy sees this beautiful girl and just falls in love and he creates this idea of her in his head for a while before he even talks to her, but once they meet and go out on a date, it’s possible that she’s only beautiful on the outside. Women might be attracted to the most successful, most dominant male but when she gets to know him he’s possibly not everything she imagined in her head. Happens all the time.
We can be very wrong about other people because of our preconceived ideas and those preconceived ideas often come from our world view and our self perception as well. There was a man in the gym that had tattoos all over his body including his neck and face, I asked my trainer, Kevin if he thought that he had been in jail, he laughed and he said that guy is actually a big teddy bear on the inside, he has those tattoos to keep people away, to protect himself. My world view had me thinking that just because he had face tattoos that he was a hardened criminal, which wasn’t true. We create these entire scenarios in our heads that are made up movies based on our world view, and they’re often wrong. Humans are complicated, we just are and no one person has the same exact world view. Our world view is how we create our reality. And a lot of times we react in order to protect ourselves just like the guy with the face tattoo. We may not go that extreme but we will take other actions in order to protect ourselves.
If you feel unworthy, you’ll constantly be on the lookout for reasons why you’re unworthy to prove it to be right, You’ll see it everywhere. If you feel left out, every thing others do, you’ll be looking for how you’re being left out. It’s a safety mechanism that is a knee jerk reaction, but with self reflection we can change that.
I’ve talked about my own experience with that. I sort of pushed my family away because I had created this idea in my mind that because I wasn’t part of their religion they left me out on purpose and I would see that in everything they did. Now that I have been reaching out I realize that’s not the case at all. There are occasions where I choose not to be part of it myself because it’s religion related but they would love for me to be there. I know that now because I got out of my own way and started reaching out to them instead of hoping they would reach out to me. Now it’s much more give and take we reach out to each other.
Now, Again these are relationships that are worth it to me. If they weren’t or if it were a situation where it was constantly hurtful and I had done the mindset work around it then I would have to reevaluate and the same goes for you and your relationships as well. but that isn’t the case with my family.
When you let go of your preconceived ideas and give people a chance to show you who they are, you may find that the idea in your head was incorrect, but that does take self reflection.
I had to be real with myself about my role in these relationships. Social connection is a beautiful natural part of our human experience. And it’s not all going to be rainbows and butterflies. Often times it’s going to take work. Relationships don’t thrive on their own. We have to work on them. We have to cultivate them. We have to forgive and be forgiven. People hurt us and sometimes we hurt them as well. Not always intentional and sometimes they don’t even realize they’ve hurt you. I firmly believe that the reason our family is doing well is because we all are working on it and we continue to work on it because it’s worth it. We value that connection.
The opposite of love is not hate it’s inattention. So if there is a relationship that is constantly on your mind, it may be one that you subconsciously are wanting to improve. maybe you wish it were better or maybe you’re estranged and don’t want to be, my advice would be to first evaluate the relationship you have with that person in your head. If you can fix it in your head first, it will go a long way to fixing it when you’re in person. I know because I’ve done it. I could easily be completely estranged from my family but I’m not because I’m willing to put in the work and they are too. If the relationship is worth it, what’s something you can do today to make it better? Is it a phone call? Is it an apology? Is it a letter or a card? That’s still a thing and it’s a nice surprise to get one. Or maybe it’s just simply working on the relationship in your head where instead of focusing on the things that they did wrong or the things that upset you, maybe acknowledge your role and at the very least acknowledge it is a relationship that’s worth working on which might naturally lead to better feeling thoughts about that person.
Our thoughts really do create our own reality and that includes thoughts about the relationships we have with other people.
So, if you have a relationship that’s been weighing on you one that you wish were better, think about the thoughts you have about that person, Is the relationship you have with them in your head a good one? Do you pick them apart? Are you constantly thinking about that one thing they did or said that hurt you or frustrated you to the point where it’s hard to even be around them? If that relationship is worth keeping, my challenge to you is to do some self reflection….what role have you played in it? Could your negative thoughts about them be part of the reason the relationship isn’t so great? We can’t fix them, we can only fix ourself. We want people to love us even though we are imperfect, are we willing to do the same for them? Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes it’s no, but if it’s yes, then you have to fix the thoughts you have about them in your head first. I love you guys I’ll talk to you in a few days!
