Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 349 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! I hope this finds you being intentional with your time and present when your with someone you love. Ok,
Have you ever had a choice to make and your inner guidance system is telling you whats right for you…but maybe someone else wants you to do something different, or maybe it might make someone else uncomfortable if you do it even though it feels right for your life? It seems like this is something that I happen upon fairly frequently. Not all the time but enough to talk about it. It does seem that we make it harder on ourselves than necessary by getting the input of everyone around us about choices we’re making.
I’m a designer by trade and design is a huge area where people often do this. It’s a really good example of how this often makes things harder on ourselves.
I had a sweet client that we had picked everything out for her new kitchen and dining room renovation. She loved everything so much and was super excited when I left on that Friday that we had made tons of decisions. The next week when we got together she was a wreck. Over the weekend she had gotten the opinions of her best friends, 2 of her neighbors and all of her daughters. Some were totally on board and some were appalled that we were using wallpaper. Because wallpaper has been out for years now. And won’t she get tired of it. And the fabric for your drapes, if your dogs rub on that it will be ruined within the year and won’t that rug be uncomfortable on your feet?
She had gone from being certain, excited and happy to just a mess. And look she is a very intelligent active happy woman. So I just told her I said look for every 3 people you ask you’re going to have 3 different opinions. You are paying me because you’ve loved what we have done so far and Im a professional Interior Designer. So I asked her “How did you feel before you got so many opinions?” She said I loved it and my husband did too. So I said is there anything that you are questioning? Because we can certainly change anything you want, we haven’t ordered anything yet. But if we change it and you get everyone’s opinion again, you’re going to be right back where you are right now. You’re never going to get 100% agreement. She looked it all over and said it just all looks so good together to me, I really don’t want to change anything. Ok then let’s order and call it a day, you’re gonna love it. You see she loved it but was considering changing when someone else didn’t.
My husband sent a quote to me the other day that was so powerful and it really made me think. It said “If it is human nature to prioritize our own well being over others, why is it then that we tend to care more about what others think about us than what we think about ourselves?”
So many times we care more about what other people think than what we think and it causes us discomfort because now we are making decisions for our life based on what other people want which will end up making us more miserable in the long run because eventually it will build up resentment and bitterness, but the real rub is, we only have one person to blame. We are the one that either gets to stand up for ourself and be assertive or just cater to what everyone else wants, or what everyone else thinks we should do, or maybe its not everyone one else. Maybe it’s just one person that we defer to all the time. But once we do that a few times, it becomes a habit to default to other people’s opinions to the point where we don’t even trust our own opinion anymore so we certainly aren’t getting the things we really want as we become like a cork on the ocean, its going wherever the next wave takes it. It doesn’t have a direction of its own. We can let that same thing happen to us. That doesn’t lead to a very satisfying life.
Confession time from me. Im a recovering people pleaser. I am extremely aware of other peoples opinions and feelings and I don’t like for people to be upset or sad or left out or any uncomfortable emotion. I don’t like for people to feel bad if I can help it. It’s almost like I used to think it was my fault even though it had zero to do with me. I also would think it was my job to fix it. So I would have anxiety because I picked up on someone feeling uncomfortable. But uncomfortable feelings are part of life. We miss out on so much in life if we try to avoid them. We end up hiding or playing small with little to no direction that’s our own.
I noticed, not all the time but I noticed sometimes, I would undermine what I wanted because someone else wanted something different or maybe it was uncomfortable to ask for what I really wanted so I just settled for what I got. I’m working really hard at not doing that anymore.
The other day I was shopping with my mom and big sister and I bought a few new clothes from one of my favorite stores. I loved what I bought so much! The girls that worked there were so nice and helpful. It was great. Ok, so the VERY next morning when I went to check my email, I saw an email from this store that EVERYTHING I bought was now 30% off the regular price. It totaled up to over $100. I was like oh my goodness, they didn’t even tell me that yesterday when I bought this. Maybe they didn’t know, right? But Ive had people do that before, but it didn’t happen this time. So I thought ugh, I don’t want to deal with it, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just let it go. But that was me trying to avoid an
uncomfortable situation of having to go back in the store and ask for a price adjustment. It seemed like a no brainer to me. I don’t know what you think about that but that’s how I felt. So I thought, you know what, I will just run in there today and ask how to get the price adjustment. I hadn’t even taken the things out of my bag yet. So I take my rcpt in and tell them what I wanted to do and they said we can’t do price adjustment. And I said ok I understand so do I just need to go get the bag and return the clothes and buy them again? And the girl said technically we aren’t supposed to do that either. So I said ok that’s what I will do though. So in my mind I could have easily waited until the next day and just returned them with a different person or I could go get them and deal with it now.
Yes, its uncomfortable but I can do hard things especially when I feel like it’s the right thing to do for me. And That’s what I did. I was extremely uncomfortable doing this by the way. But I got the clothes went back in, the same girl was there and I just said “I brought them back to return them” and she was really sweet and said ok, I will make an acceptation this time, both of us knew I could just return them and buy them again. I thanked her and I said, you know it’s happened before where I had worn it or it was a week later but less than 24 hours later, It was a no brainer and she agreed. Even their store policy online said as long as it was bought within the last 7 days. But I was really proud of myself for that. Im making a habit of standing up for myself.
I was getting my nails done and Im particular about how they are done, They like to say Im boring with my colors, Ive talked about it before I know. So my nail girl had picked a color that she thought I would like. I was doing shellac for the first time in a long time because Im going out of town for two weeks and a regular manicure won’t last. Anyway so she picks a pink color that she says I will love, so she brings me a nail polish that is close to that color and I said great, I love it lets do it. So I sit down at her chair and there’s another girl that is doing nails right next to me that’s done my nails and knows how particular I am, so she says while my nail girl is getting the water, she says what color are you going with?
And I show her and she said, you’re not going to like that color and I said well I put it on my nail and I like it and I showed her and she shook her head and jumps up and grabs the actual gel color and quickly swipes my nail with the color and it’s nothing like the color I had on my nail…oh boy so she hands me a color and says this is what you need just do that. And I trust her very much so I said great. Well when my nail girl came back to the table I told her Im changing colors, that first color is sooooo different than what you showed me and she was a little put off and said well its Gell it will be different, and of course lm like well, glad we found that out before we did it. So off she goes shaping my nails and I had specifically requested almond shape, while she is shaping away, the other nail girl says what shape did you want? And I said almond and she shook her head so I look at my hand and and she was obviously shaping them in a round shape, which I don’t like at all, so now It’s uncomfortable because I have already changed the color she chose, I have to make a decision, am I going to get what I want and have the uncomfortable conversation that she’s shaping them wrong or am I just going to let it be. Well I’m on a roll of standing up for myself why stop now? So I said to her, you are shaping them round and I asked for almond. Now she’s irritated….but she also knows Im right. So she says you really want that pointy tip? Apparently she does not like that shape at all. So I said yes that’s exactly what I want, so she goes back and refiles each nail to a beautiful pointy tip, the color is exactly what I hoped for and so is the shape. It wasn’t the most pleasant manicure I’ve ever had but I was very proud when I left that my nails looked exactly how I wanted them.
Both of these stories in the past, I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have left feeling disappointed and resentful. But even worse is I would be the only person to blame if I let that happen. When I wore those clothes I would have been annoyed had I not stood up for myself. And let’s not even talk about the round bright pink nails I would have had if I hadn’t said something.
I know I can’t be the only one that this happens to, so my challenge to you this week is when this happens to you in whatever scenario it is, stand up for yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Share this with 3 amazing people who deserve to get what they want. I love you guys, I’ll talk to you in a few days!