Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 342 of the wildly successful lifestyle podcast. I hope you’re doing well and I’m really glad you’re here. It’s fun being with like minded people isn’t it? People that we can share our ideas and our thoughts with and have great conversation about those ideas and thoughts? It’s one of my favorite things to do. Conversation over a good cup of coffee with a really interesting person. I had an epiphany recently. I have an arrogant streak. More confession time. But no I really do. And I am gonna go out on a limb and say you do too. Don’t worry we’re human. But I realized my arrogant streak when I was having a beautiful conversation with someone I cherish.
So a group of us were sitting having coffee and it was a lovely morning on vacation and we were having a conversation about religion. Taboo I know but we are comfortable enough in this group to discuss that. But one of my dear friends who’s actually one of my favorite people, he said to me “I really hope you find God again”. And for a brief moment flashes of my upbringing and the judgement I endured of leaving that religion and how I felt people were constantly trying to bring me back to what they believed was right in the way they worshiped because that was the only right way and now here I am as an adult in a completely different setting, completely different religious conversation but feeling that same feeling of someone thinking I was lost, or missing something or I was on the wrong path because I didn’t believe and worship just as they did. It was a familiar feeling. Except now I am in a totally different place in my life and am more curious about his statement than anything because I know he meant it with love.
Actually I’m so glad he said it because it made me really aware that I did used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn’t find joy in the religion of my parents, but normally I would feel the need to justify but now I just know in my heart that I’m happy just the way I am so there’s no need to justify or be offended or feel like something’s wrong with me. None of that. It’s something that’s perfectly normal for them to feel but also for me to feel ok with not sharing that same joy. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just find joy in a different way. That’s a freeing feeling. I’m happy they find joy there and that doesn’t mean anything about me. So When he said that he really hoped I find God again, I was less offended and more curious as to why he thought that.
And so I asked him what he meant by that. And he proceeded to tell me his relationship with God and religion and how he delivers food and furniture and goes on mission trips to those in need and what a beautiful feeling it was, I could tell it really touched him because he had tears in his eyes as he was talking about it. But he said he wished I could have that same feeling. He mentioned a moment when another friend at the table had donated furniture for his church he works with downtown and how he wished they could feel what it feels like to deliver it. He and his wife truly do beautiful work with this church and throughout the year with those that need and he wishes everyone could experience that feeling.
So I let him talk and then I say how do you that know we don’t?
We all do this. We think that just because something really works for us and makes us feel a certain way that it might make someone else feel that way too and also it would confirm for us that we are on the right path. There’s a bit of that too. But we are a little arrogant in thinking of you aren’t living exactly like me you aren’t getting the same joy that I do.
But that assumes that every single person finds joy in the same way. It assumes that there’s one way to live to find joy and if you aren’t living that way then you’re on the wrong path or you’re lost or missing something. Religions will teach this because it creates a much needed identity for that group. We are better than you. If you really think about it, it’s not just religion it’s every group. People who do yoga vs people who lift weights. People who eat meat vs people who don’t. People who vote republican vs people who vote democrat. There’s a bit of arrogance in all of us when we form an identity with a group. Not saying that’s bad, identifying with a group is at the base of human nature. But does that mean people not in that group are lost or missing something?
My husband Eric before I met him decided he was going to give Christmas to a family in need. They had a program at his church that he signed up for and they gave him a family and he went out and bought gifts for the kids and clothes and food and that part brought him joy but when he actually delivered it, that was really hard for him, that part didn’t bring as much joy because the mother was embarrassed. The kids were hiding. It was a very bad part of town and it weighed on him. He learned that wasn’t his role. He gets joy from the act of giving anonymously. He doesn’t need to be the one that delivers it.
So back to my conversation with my friends on vacation. I told my friend that story and how our joy comes differently from donating behind the scene. And then I asked how it was any less joyful for my friend that donates the furniture because they do it pretty regularly, they get their joy from donating, it’s no less important than being the ones on the front line delivering it. Both roles are important. The delivering and the donating. They don’t need to see it delivered. They get their joy from just knowing it’s going to a good cause.
Both are beautiful acts. But differently experienced. One couldn’t take place without the other.
My friend only meant love by what he was saying. But we have to be careful when we assume that our way of worshiping and our way of living is better than someone else’s just because it brings US so much joy.
It’s never a problem to want to share your joy but when you assume someone else is lost because they don’t go to a certain church or they don’t give of their time and money the way you do, it kind of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?
We want to feel good and we want others to feel good. But It’s our ego that thinks other people should live the way we do in order to be happy.
We all do it. I think everyone should eat like I do and exercise like I do. In my mind they would be so much happier. But guess what? That’s my ego, that’s my arrogance talking. In Dr Attia’s book I’m reading called “Outlive”. He has worked with enough patients on nutrition that he knows what is ideal for one person can be bad for another person. Not all bodies are the same. Everyones body is unique in its nutritional needs. Just because it works for you it doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. So My friend gets great joy from delivering directly to those in need but Eric finds it much more joyful to donate anonymously. Both very important roles, Eric just finds his joy in a different way from our friend.
If you find joy in something and your joy emanates from you, the people that get joy from that same thing will be drawn to you and want to be part of that.
Just like our sailing trip. There’s 8 of us. That vacation brings us so much joy. At one point we had added another couple which made it 10 of us. But they did not find the same joy from that trip. They found it stressful because you do have to go with the flow and be very adaptable. You never know what ocean waves you’ll be dealing with or what broken boat part you’ll be dealing with. But that’s part of the adventure and excitement of the trip for us. It’s hard to imagine someone wouldn’t enjoy it but they didn’t. So we are back to eight and that’s just fine. We love that couple and always will. They aren’t missing anything or lost or on the wrong path because they don’t like that trip. I think they’re crazy but that’s my ego, that’s my arrogance talking.
I think they’re crazy because I love it so much and how could they not?. I bet they think we are crazy because we do love it so much.
You see what I mean by us all having an arrogant streak?
My point is to just recognize when you’re well meaning but also assuming that someone else is missing something or lost because they don’t identify with the same group or don’t worship the same way or eat the same way or find joy in the same way.
You be the best most joyful version of you that’s possible and let others do the same. Don’t assume they need the same things you do or lack joy because they worship differently. They’re not lost. They’re on their own journey. And don’t be offended if someone assumes you would be happier if you were like them, be flattered because they care about you and also be curious, who knows you might find joy from trying something new. But there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t. Maybe you’re happy just the way you are.
Share this with 3 joyful people. I love you guys. I’ll talk to you in a few days.
