Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 328 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! So I love the title “The danger of ignoring inner dialogue” because it just really applies to every single person in the world. Every one of us has an ongoing inner dialogue in our head that starts the second we are conscious in the morning, to the last second before we go to sleep.
For some of us that looks like looking in the mirror and shredding ourselves because we have age spots, or our body isn’t exactly the way we want it. For others it may be ruminating over that thing someone said or did yesterday. And for a lot of us it’s just simply “holy crap, Ive got a lot to do today and not enough time to do it in no wonder Im such a stressed mess” something like that.
Now. These are the kind of thoughts that come from our brain when it is left to it’s own negative proclivity. Kind of like that Taylor Swift song…where she says Left to my own devices, I comes with crisis… You know I’m right. It’s so important to be aware and get out in front of it. It’s important not only for ourselves but for everyone else in our world too. I’ll give you a good example of how that worked for me in a minute.
During on of my guided meditations last week Jeff Warren was talking about thoughts popping up like a mushroom and then it sprouts and now it’s full blown and you’re lost in a spiral of thought after thought about that one thought that popped up. I could relate so well to that. I used to be totally unaware that I could control those thoughts, since Ive been doing a lot of thought work though I realize I totally control what my thoughts are and I get to choose if Im going to allow them or not and SO DO YOU. And this is a super power because given the chance any number of thoughts that pop up in a day could wreck my day if I go all in on it. Jeff was asking us to consider what thoughts feel like in our brain, because his feel like mushrooms but mine don’t feel like that, mine are more like waves. Have you ever been in the ocean on a clear beautiful day and the waves are really big? And maybe you have a boogie board or surf board maybe you don’t, but with every wave, you decide whether you are going to ride that wave to shore or if you’re going to duck under it and let the wave smoothly pass you by. That’s how thoughts are for me anymore. And the more aware I am of them, the more I realize I get to decide whether I am going to ride that wave of thought or if Im going to duck it like you would when you’re playing in the ocean.
So this may be kind of a silly example of this happening, but it’s real for me and if you’re a people pleaser or feel like other peoples feelings are your problem then you might relate to this. A friend of mine and I had plans to meet for a yoga class. Which we will often do. And normally I am not the early one so I am kind of coming in and finding her and put my mat down near hers. So on this particular day one of my other best friends text me and asked me what I was up to and I said Im doing yoga at 9 and she said Oh I may join you! Which I was so happy about because I love my friends! Now, I also normally put my mat down right beside this friend as well because she is always earlier than me too.
So as you’d have it I’m coming in right before class starts and I get in there and my one friend that I had plans with was on one side of the room with space available next to her and my other friend that said she was joining was on the totally opposite side of the room so I had to make a split decision both waved at me and so I put my mat down next to the friend I had made the original plans with, seemed like the right thing to do.
Well. As I am laying there on my yoga mat we were doing our first positions and my brain is throwing out thoughts like “you probably hurt your friends feelings” IS she upset? Does she think Im upset at her? I noticed myself automatically thinking these thoughts that were not serving me and were not going to make for a very relaxing yoga class. And let me just insert here…..my friends, if they are both listening, are probably going to laugh hysterically about this, but it is what it is. Ok, so I quickly notice Im having these thoughts and I just stop and I tell myself “you’ve done nothing wrong. You would never intentionally hurt anyone and of course my friend knows that. I saw that wave coming and I chose to duck it by reminding myself who I am and exactly what is realistically going on. I chose not to allow that thought to pop up tons of other thoughts that would have me feeling like Ive done something wrong.
Now, had I rode that wave, I would have tortured myself through class then after class I would have tortured my friends because more than likely I would have run up to her and explained my self on why I chose to put my mat where I did and now my friend is all up in my drama and then maybe my other friend overhears and thinks I didn’t want to have put my mat where I did and now she has her feelings hurt. You see how we create problems where there likely is none? We do it all the time. We create problems for ourselves and that spills over into our relationships with other people.
Anything can trigger a thought.
Like someone says something that triggers a thought or does something or you see a car that reminds you of your ex or your phone pops up memories and says remember this Heidi? And now your thoughts go to how you were feeling at the time the picture was taken and maybe it wasn’t great so now you’re riding that wave. This goes on and on all day every day. But when you notice those thoughts and you realize that’s not a thought that’s going to serve you, you can change it. So like me, Once I told myself I did nothing wrong by where I placed my yoga mat, I didn’t think about it again and after class the three of us had a fun conversation and there was no drama whatsoever, because I didn’t ride that wave.
This is the power of awareness. Being aware of when you have a thought that you know isn’t going to serve you.
In fact very often our inner dialogue has everything to do with our verbal dialogue. Dr Peter Attia has talked about his struggle with just this inner rage he’s had since he was little and how when you are angry inside and when you despise yourself and talk so poorly to yourself it affects everything else you do especially your closest relationships. The way you speak to yourself matters. I know for women, I believe men are the same but they are judged a bit less on their appearance so for women as we age, we can be so critical of ourselves when we look in the mirror. I remember my grandmother was in her 60s probably when she told me this but she told me “Heidi Dear, getting old is terrible for a woman”. And I see what she means, I have had to work really hard to be nice to myself in the mornings when I first get up, sometimes it’s so hard when you notice all the little signs of aging. But I now just say “you look beautiful this morning” and sometimes I believe it and other times I just kind of laugh like ok, we have a little work to do but it’s all good. But I really try not to start the day criticizing myself for many reasons but one of them is it affects my other relationships as well. So for instance if I tell myself in the mirror, you look old or you look fat or disgusting and then I walk into the bedroom and my husband wants to hug me or love on me and I pull away because I just told myself how unworthy I am, there’s no way Im going to feel loving towards him because I feel disgusted with myself. Now he feels rejected because his brain is telling him I don’t find him attractive because Im always pulling away and then maybe we fight which starts the day beautifully right?
Now, we are not responsible for other peoples thoughts and feelings. They are responsible for their own but you can see there how riding that wave can pick someone else up right along side you and now they’re on their own wave and nobody is having any fun.
So my challenge to you today is to notice just one thought that is coming that isn’t serving you and ask yourself is this thought going to make me feel how I want to feel today? Or is this thought going to serve me well? And if it isn’t just tell yourself, you know what Im not riding that wave today, Im gonna duck it and then let it go just like a wave. And just like a wave there will be 100 more that follow and you will get to decide whether you ride those too. But what I think you will notice is how often the drama and the problems in our life are created by those thought waves and the ripple that comes with them affects everything else in our life. That’s good to know right? Share this with 3 awesome people today. I love you guys, I’ll talk to you in a few days!
