Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 311 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast. We’re gonna go pretty deep pretty quickly here so hang on. I was listening to Esther Hicks this last week and she said when someone asks you how you’re doing so well just tell them this…..I finally accepted that I’m good and I stopped railing against anyone who doesn’t agree with that. I had to take a minute when I heard that and just let it sink in.
You see I grew up and in order to be good, there was this manual of what you had to do and not do to get approval. To be considered good and worthy you had to do this and this and this and you could NEVER do this or this or this. There were a lot of rules. And I was very torn because I don’t love conflict and I do tend to be a peace maker BUT I have an internal strength that allows me to follow what I know is the right path for me even though people I love don’t agree. That’s not their job to agree with how I live my life. When I was a young adult still half way stumbling through the religion I was raised in, I used to torture myself in a way, because I would say to myself “why can’t you just follow the rules?”. I wanted so badly to be seen as “GOOD” or at the very least “GOOD ENOUGH”. But being seen as good by whom? Whose good opinion of me matters more than my own? In order to be seen as good to other people I had to forsake my own gut, my own intuition that I was good and worthy AND I could forge my own path. This is true for every single human being. You can be good and you are always WORTHY even when you forge your own path that someone else doesn’t agree with.
I always say every single one of us came out of the womb with an agenda. And some will ignore that agenda to please others and some won’t. Those that won’t walk and create their own path which leads to the life you were meant for, it’s not easy to do but the other option of following someone else’s path for you isn’t easy either for a lot of different reasons. Stop trying to fit yourself into someone else’s dream for you. It’s not your job to fulfill someone else’s dream, it’s their job. Love them where they are and don’t require them to have to return that favor. They may not be able to.
I read a post by Lindsay Mango the other day that said “what if YOUR happiness is more important than THEIR approval?” And it hit me that my happiness IS more important than other people’s approval. And society wants to tell you that’s selfish. You should put yourself last, the ones that only think of others are praised, oh she’s so giving. Oh she never thinks about herself, only others. But if that’s true for someone, I’ll show you someone whose internal light has burned out or is close to burning out and they are trying to get light externally which will have them burning the candle at both ends just to feel loved, which only happens when other people need them, but what happens when other people stop needing them? there’s a darkness again because you’ve never tended to your own internal light. That’s a tiresome, dangerous game. Because you’re at the mercy of other people for how you feel. You have to tend to your own light and let it shine so brightly, you do that, and it will attract others with that same light and the good just keeps getting gooder. Not a word, but I liked saying it. And look, your light may be too bright for some people, it may confront them that they’ve allowed their own light to be dimmed or to go out all together. When you follow your own heart, there will be those that don’t approve and it may sting and you may wonder if it would just be easier to just do the thing and get the approval, but if you’ve ever tried that you know it’s a never ending gig and you’ll end up resentful and bitter, that in my opinion is so much harder than forging your own path.
I can say that because I’ve been there. If I’m being honest, I still have moments of it. I’ve been Spending a lot more time with my family that are still part of a religion that doesn’t really think they should spend much time with me because I’m an outsider. If I relied on them for approval, I’d be in trouble. I’m not ever going to get that from them and I don’t need it. And it’s not their job to give it to me. And you don’t NEED other people’s approval either. You need your own approval. That’s the most important thing.
And here’s the thing. All of us have family or friends, I hope, but we all have certain expectations. Expectations of ourselves but also expectations of others. And that’s where we get yourselves in Trouble is with the expectations of others. Because my expectation that my family accept me and approve of me for who I am is me in a way asking them to change so I can be happy. And you may argue, well they’re your family, they should. Nope. That’s not how it works. In a perfect fairytale it would, but I don’t live in a fairy tale and I don’t imagine you do either. So why not just love them where they are, stop trying to change them. Because me wanting my parents to approve of me even though I’m not part of their religion is asking for them to change who they are. That’s me wanting them to change so I feel better. You see that trap? It’s like asking them to take ibuprofen for my headache. It’s not gonna work. Love them where they are. And that goes for every single person in my life and your life. Love them where they are and get back to work on yourself. When you’re in love with your life, when you’re in love with yourself, yes that’s ok, to be in love with yourself, then those that are meant to stay will stay and those that aren’t will go and it will be a blip on your radar.
So if you’re having a hard time right now maybe because of family relationships or friendships. Remember it’s probably because you’re wanting them to change so you feel better. And to that I say remember, you want freedom to choose how you live, do you only want that freedom for you? No, you want everyone else to have that freedom and that means they may make decisions that are right for them and you won’t understand why and that’s not your business. Sometimes we want people to be more like us because wouldn’t they be happier, Maybe, Maybe not. I struggle with wanting my older sister who I love very much to be healthier all the time but that’s not my job and she struggles with wanting me to come back to a religion that she finds to be very rewarding but that’s not her job. Both of us have to accept that we are in different places and that is perfectly ok. Love them where they are. Your power lies in you not needing anyone to change for you to be happy, your power lies in you finally accepting that your good, and to stop railing against anyone who doesn’t believe that, it’s not their job to believe that, it’s yours.
My challenge to you this week is to ask yourself this question any time you’re having a problem with another person: what am I needing them to change so that I feel better? That’s always going to be the crux of the problem. And then take on this mantra and really live it.
My approval of myself is more important than anyone else’s approval of me. This is true now and it will be true forever.
I love you guys. I’ll talk to you in a few days.
