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Will I be happier if I leave him?

Episode 439
Wildly Successful Lifestyle

LISTEN TO: Will I be happier if I leave him?

Hi guys! Welcome to Episode 439 of the Wildly Successful Lifestyle podcast! Being happy is the ultimate success, would you agree? If you ask people what they really want, they usually will say to be happy. If they say something else like to be in a relationship or to be wealthy, if you narrow that down, it eventually boils down to they think having that person or that money will make them happy so happiness is the ultimate success in my opinion. Romantic relationships are a big part of our happiness or lack of. Sometimes things aren’t going so well and we think the grass might be greener on the other side. We wonder would we be happier if we jump ship. So let’s find out.

There’s a song I love that if you really think about it is funny and true and a bit of a conundrum all at the same time. It’s the Pina Colada song. Well that’s what I call it, but it’s officially called “Escape” You probably know it. In the song a lady takes out a personal add that says if you like Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga and you have half a brain…I’m not ever gonna sing for you guys….don’t worry. But it’s a great song, a classic. The man who is currently sitting in bed with his long time partner reading the newspaper ad immediately takes out his own ad and says, I love Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, Im not much into yoga, I am into champagne, I have to meet you by tomorrow noon at a bar called O’malleys. Let’s cut through all the red tape. So he is sitting in the bar waiting for the woman of his dreams to walk in and when she does he recognizes her immediately. It’s his own lovely lady. I say it’s a conundrum because neither one of them can be mad, right? But they were obviously meant to be, the universe is telling them that, they just have to reconnect, get to know each other all over again because life happened and they thought they needed something new, when what they really needed was to awaken what had always been there.

That song was released in 1979 by Rupert Holmes and has remained a big hit, It’s a classic song that stayed popular because long term relationships can get stale if we let them. We don’t like to admit that, but it’s true. And the scary thing about that song, is both of them felt like they needed a little something new but they didn’t talk to each other about it. How easily that can turn into the destruction of a really good marriage because things got a little boring or stale.

Now, I’m not saying you should stay somewhere that is making you miserable, I would be a hypocrite for that.

My first husband and I were very different. We were young when we met and I was somewhat looking for a way to get out of my house, I think he was too. I wasn’t feeling happy living at home at 19 and he wasn’t really happy period. That’s how I remember it, It’s been a long time. So I felt like this thing over here, this external thing is going to fix my unhappiness that I was feeling inside. That may work for a minute, but it doesn’t last. I had to grow up really fast when I married him. I am thankful for that experience because it made me who I am today. All of our experiences do. But I noticed I went from one unhappy situation to another. Now Im a natural optimist and I am easily happy so I was making the best of it for a while. But I realized in order for him to be happy he wanted things about me to change, he wanted me to do things I didn’t feel right doing and so I felt like I was constantly having to make a decision between doing what was right for me and doing what might make him momentarily happy. I realized at one point that I was having trouble keeping and maintaining my sanity and my own happiness because I was constantly having to be weary of his. Eventually I had to make a decision. So I decided I was better off on my own, tending to my own happiness and letting him tend to his. Turns out I was right. I had gone into it naively thinking I could fix my unhappiness externally and so I jumped at the chance to get out of the house, which did not work out so well. I am a better version of me today than I was back then, self improvement is a passion for me. When I met my forever husband, that’s what I call Eric, my husband now, I was happy and he was happy and we were happy to come together because self improvement is also a passion for him. So even though we have been together now for almost 18 years we have both continued to grow and improve together. We have had moments where it was really hard and I think we have grown most during those moments, the key was, we grew together through the hard times instead of growing apart. I had hormone issues that nearly tore us apart at one point, but he looked at me and said I will love you through anything and he did and once we realized it was a hormone thing, I was right back to being my happy self. I tell you that because if you have all of a sudden gone from happy to unhappy and it doesn’t make sense, whether you’re male or female, get your hormones checked. Our food sources and the chemicals in our environment will leach some people of hormonal balance and I was one of those people. I got my hormones in balance and everything returned to normal almost in like 7 days, which is how long it took for the hormones to take effect.

I also tell this story because when I was out of balance hormonally I was so unhappy, I thought I needed a change in my life completely. Looking back that would have taken everything from bad to way worse because Eric is the love of my life and I couldn’t see it for my own unhappiness which was a chemical problem that was easily fixed by natural hormone therapy.

Sometimes we think we aren’t happy, so maybe we need to change something externally and maybe that makes you happy for the moment but then it wears off, now you need a new dopamine hit to make you happy and then you’re off on a never ending chasing of dopamine which is very different from true internal happiness. You constantly need more and more to be happy and it may lead you to even think your partner is the problem…you think “Oh I’m not happy with him.” Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you’re just not happy, full stop. Until you can firmly say with no hesitation that I am happy with myself AND I don’t think he is who I am meant to be with, you don’t need to go anywhere. Fix what’s wrong inside before you ever try to fix what you think is wrong outside. I beg you.

Because as long as you are not truly happy with yourself, you’ll never be truly happy with another person either because you are trying to fill a void, if you get happy with yourself, those voids will fill in on their own and you are able to attract someone that is also happy with themself. Like attracts like.

My first marriage I tried to fix my happiness by changing something externally and so did he and it didn’t work. My current marriage, I met him when I was happy and he was happy. I didn’t need him to make me happy and he didn’t need me to make him happy and we have both continued growing and working on self improvement the entire 18 years we’ve been together.

If you’re not happy, you aren’t going to be happy with someone new either, not for long.

We can’t expect our partner to find our happiness for us, because they can’t. Even if they wanted to or maybe even if they try and try. You have to do that for yourself. But if you’re not happy inside, changing something outside will only bring temporary dopamine driven happiness, not true internal happiness…so do what you need to do to find your internal happiness and you may find that your partner comes along for the ride, and your relationship gets better because of it or maybe they don’t and that will be ok too.

Now, if you’re both happy but you just feel like you need something new, maybe ask your partner if they like Pina coladas or getting caught in the rain….you may be surprised by their answer. Share this with 3 people who may need a Pina colada I love you guys I’ll talk to you in a few days!

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